I was dropping my son at holiday programme on Tuesday and before I could sign him in I had to wait for a mother ahead of me - it was one of those mothers - you know the ones that hold up the whole queue while they do something complicated, and keep asking more and more questions, with no sign that they are winding up. I just wanted to sign in and go back for a client session, and I was getting more and more restless having to wait. She eventually resolved her questions and when I was in the car heading back to the office I began to reflect on the incident and whether my thoughts and restlessness were in line with my values. It has been a hard year for us in Tāmaki Makarau and if I am starting to act angsty in queues and getting easily irritable then it has got bad.
We are finishing a hard couple of years, and we are observing a shared increase in stress and tension, that is often expressed in negativity and hostility to others. The summer break is a chance for the deep refreshment and restoration that we need to withstand the things that 2022 has in store for us. Many of you in healthcare and social services will be wondering what summer break I am referring to, because I know that you will be continuing to work through supporting those that need it most. As helpers we have no hesitation in putting up our hands when we hear the call to heal the world - after all that is our purpose, that is what gives our life meaning. BUT sometimes it is this eagerness that can limit our longevity which is what we need to be cultivating right now. We begin to think that the world needs us. That it is our work that is holding the nation together.
We forget that what we long for is to create a world that doesn’t need our work.
What the world needs most to heal the hurt, struggle, irritability anger and hostility is ripples of compassion. Ripples that start with us, and flow outward to create compassionate teams, and compassionate systems, that can heal the world. Those ripples begin with us, and not with us putting our hands up to heal the world.
Rather it begins with us learning to be compassionate towards ourselves. To be able to recognise and tend to our own needs and to take a compassionate stance towards ourselves. This basis of kindness allows us to be all we can be, to be calm, to grow and learn and to prioritise our own self-care. These actions create a deeper well of compassion in ourselves so that we can sustain the providing of compassion to others. Our modelling and emphasis on self-compassion helps others grow in compassion, they can then grow a compassionate team and work to create compassionate systems so that we can create a new more compassionate world, where we are motivated by kindness rather than by individualism.
Growing our own self-compassion isn’t an easy task. Over December I have challenged myself to practise self-compassion every day and it does require intention, attention and lots and lots of practice. If you are taking a summer break it is a great opportunity to work on your self-compassion. If you aren’t taking a summer break then you definitely need to work on your self-compassion! Here are six suggestions to get you started on developing your self-compassion, but remember to have compassion for yourself in the process - it will take time.
How to grow your self-compassion
Intention:
1) Take some time to develop an understanding of what self-compassion is and isn’t. Kristen Neff defines self-compassion as having 3 components. Including an ability to express warm kindness towards our own struggles, failings and imperfections. A sense of common humanity - struggling is normal and many people struggle, in fact, it is part of being human. Finally having a stance of mindful openness towards our emotional experience.
2) Choose one self-compassion practice that you are going to work on for a week. There are many suggestions on Kristen Neffs website.
Attention
3) Begin by slowing down and building your ability to notice the tone of your mind messages and self-stories./ self-talk. Notice how you talk to yourself (if you do not everyone has an internal dialogue). Pay particular attention to the tone you use in addition to the content of your dialogue. You could ask yourself - is this how my best friend would speak to me?
4) Be open and curious about your feelings. What might your emotional responses be telling you? Allow your emotions to be there.
Practice:
5) Practice taking a kind stance to your feelings, reactions, imperfections and mistakes. Imagine what the kindest person you know would say, and practice using those words to yourself.
6) Practice paying attention to your needs. Stop regularly thought the day and wonder - what do I need? Chose to meet those needs with care and tenderness.
Be as kind to yourself as you are to your clients, and together we can change the world.
